Fighting a Battle

I've suffered from depression for many years. I'll have my good streaks where I can go months at a time without feeling depressed at all, but for about 10 years I've had feelings of depression (actual depression, not just sadness). It's a tough thing to deal with. Not only do you have to just push yourself through rough patches and the extremely difficult days, but you also have to deal with all the people in your life not knowing or not understanding what going through depression is like. They may think so, but unless they've ever faced depression, they don't have the slightest clue. They don't know what it's like to sob yourself to sleep, to feel worthless, to feel like a freak, to not understand why you feel this way, and to have to deal with regular life on top of it all.

After several break downs over the past several months, and an extremely tough one earlier this week, I am starting the "rest of my life" tomorrow at 4:30. Tomorrow is when I meet with a counselor for the first time. I am so excited to begin this journey and to start feeling better and feel myself again. I know it will take time, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel of finding a resolution to the low feeling inside of me.

Half way done with break...

and I'm not ready to say goodbye. It has been wonderful having FH home and spending so much time with him. We've seen each other almost every day of break. Although break is halfway done, and it seems like the next week is going to go so fast. I don't like it one bit.

The next time I'll see him will be his white coat ceremony on February 12. He got extra tickets so I can go!!! :) :) :) They only get two and I insisted his parents be the two in attendance. They've supported him throughout his 25 years, but I'll admit I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn't be able to attend. The school offered the chance to do a survey and the first 80 people to fill it out got an extra ticket. Well, because he filled it out SO fast, he got TWO extra tickets so now his brother can go too! (it opened online at 8pm one night and he sat there refreshing it constantly so he could get it right away)

Took FH skiing for the first time on the 23rd, it was a lot of fun and he even wants to go back! :) WOOHOO! It only took two winters to convince him to go! It's just so expensive. We have to rent skis for him (I have my own), and the lift tickets are "holiday prices" until after the new year making them $43 each instead of $31 which for riding a poopy chair up a hill and being scared of heights the whole time, it's a lot of money! And sometimes the dismount from the chair results in a giant, painful, uncoordinated stumble. OH YEAH $43!!!

Woops...

Sorry for the lack of updates recently...or well, since July. I just sort of got side tracked and found an amazing group of girls to help support me through my journey.

FH made it through his first semester at school, successfully completing all his courses :) :) :) Couldn't be more proud of him and all his hard work!!

I only have one semester of school left...WOOOHOOOO! And unlike the insanity that was this semester, I'm only taking 12 credit hours, maybe 13, instead of the 18 I took this semester.

Off to get ready for FH's family Christmas party!

8 days down...22 to go...

I really miss FH today. I sent him a card on Wednesday and he hasn't said anything about getting it--I hope he gets it soon. I want to make him smile.

I cried today when I was picking up the condo and saw the second card I got him. It's a blue card with a quote about looking at the stars, each time it twinkles it's me saying i love you and i miss you. I really miss him. I miss looking at the stars with him. I miss cuddling. I miss not having anything in particular to do. I miss seeing him. I miss kissing him. I miss hugging him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his eyes, his goofy antics, his baby voice, I miss everything about him.

SO PROUD!

So yesterday, FH had a quiz. It turned out to be a group/class quiz and he answered the second question out loud to the whole class and got it correct!!!! I'M SO PROUD OF HIM!!!!!! He's so smart and working so hard out there!

We also discussed when I may be able to come see him. It may be August 21!!! I'm so excited :) Only 23 days (it's close to midnight :) )

Really having difficulty...

FH called me. He's really struggling to stay awake. I know the feeling but the bad thing is he can't drink ANYTHING while in the school's rooms so keeping water (or coffee) nearby isn't an option. It worries me. He already talks about coming home. I can't let him give up this dream that easily...

Really missing him...

Even though FH and I didn't get to see each other everyday, I loved being able to just call him and say "I love you" but I can't really. I don't know his class schedule, he's super busy doing HW, and I just want to chat. But I know I can't, he will ENJOY talking to me so much so that he has a hard time telling people he can't talk due to other things. He's just polite like that, which is nice but at the same time, can be harmful to his studies.

Today was his first day of class. He said he was super tired and could barely stay awake during "orientation". Then this afternoon he had a 200-something question exam to see where he stands. OH JOY!